Chilli Lovers Beware!

A banana pepper alongside jalapeño, habanero, ...

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Today I got one of those comical e-mails that do the rounds however; on this occasion, it actually reminded me somewhat of an ‘accident’ with a little too much chilli, that occurred in the kitchen of the Fisherman’s Arms. I reproduce it in full below for your amusement…

The following story, was relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico (apparently). If you pay attention to the first two judges, The reaction of the third judge is even better!!  The New Mexico Chili Cook-off at Santa Fe Plaza takes place around Halloween. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.  

Frank was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last  moment he happened to be standing near the judge’s table, asking for directions to the beer truck, when the call came in.  He was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and besides, there was free beer for the judges during the tasting… He accepted and became Judge #3. 

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:-

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC  MONSTER CHILI

  • Judge #  1 — A little too heavy on  the tomato.  Amusing kick.
  • Judge #  2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
  • Judge # 3  (Frank) —  Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?  You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that’s the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S  AFTERBURNER CHILI

  • Judge #  1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
  • Judge #  2 — Exciting  BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
  • Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S  FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

  • Judge #  1 — Excellent firehouse  chili.  Great kick.
  • Judge #  2 — A bit  salty, good use of peppers.
  • Judge #  3 — Call the EPA.  I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by  now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my  chest.  I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the  beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S  BLACK MAGIC 

  • Judge #  1 — Black bean chili with almost  no spice.  Disappointing.
  • Judge #  2 — Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild  foods, not much of a chili.
  • Judge #  3 — I felt  something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ….  Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S  LEGAL LIP REMOVER

  • Judge #  1 — Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
  • Judge #  2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the  jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
  • Judge #  3 — My ears  are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.   Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S  VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

  • Judge #  1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian  variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
  • Judge #  2 — The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
  • Judge #  3 — My  intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric  flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it  will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand  behind me except that Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.   I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S  SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

  • Judge #  1 — A mediocre chili with  too much reliance on canned peppers.
  • Judge #  2 — Ho hum,  tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at  the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
  • Judge #  3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a  thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.  I’ve decided to stop breathing.   It’s too painful.  Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen  anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch  hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S  TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

  • Judge #  1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  • Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
  • Judge # 3 — No report !!!
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About Dave Hasney

National Coordinator for UK SMART Recovery - Previously a Recovery Worker and prior to that a Management Consultant and H&S Practitioner - Kept sane by Angling, Good Food, Real Ale & Wine - Cynical thoughts sometimes developed from others.

Posted on 01-11-2011, in Bankside Bubbles and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. turtlemom3

    I blew coffee out my nose! OMG!

    Like

  2. I think I have just wet myself.

    Like

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